


Brave

by gelandspray



Series: Lay It All Down [5]
Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Boypussy, FTM, M/M, Trans, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender, trans!kurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-13
Updated: 2014-06-13
Packaged: 2018-02-04 11:47:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1777909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gelandspray/pseuds/gelandspray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Try as he might, Kurt cannot figure out how to tell Blaine the truth; so, because Kurt can’t seem to plan the event, he stops trying so hard to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brave

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt Fill: Truth  
> For [Klaine Bingo](http://www.klainebingo.tumblr.com)
> 
> Because I'm playing Klaine bingo to get my prompts, some of my fills are stuff further down the timeline, so if anyone has any prompts, I would be super grateful and would love to read them.

Try as he might, Kurt cannot figure out how to tell Blaine the truth. He can’t figure out a good situation, one that would minimize upset from deception and communicated that he had every intention to tell him eventually. Blaine can’t just find out accidentally from walking in on him changing or from Rachel or Santana letting it slip. It has to be intentional and it has to be Kurt. 

Therefore, because Kurt can’t seem to plan the event to his satisfaction, he stops trying so hard to. 

He simply invites Blaine over when Santana and Rachel will be out and he plans what he will say. He imagines how the conversation will go in three different ways: positive, negative, and neutral.

Positive being that Blaine is fine with it, doesn’t need time to think, has reasonable questions and understandings of Kurt’s right not to answer those questions, and in the end they make out a little on the couch.

Negative being that Blaine is absolutely _not_ fine with it. He is mad, doesn’t need time to think because he’s made up his mind that it’s over, doesn’t want to talk about it or does want to talk about it and asks all the most invasive questions and demands answers to them.

Neutral being that Blaine is unsure about it, needs time to think, walks out without much conversation at all, and Kurt questions if Blaine will call him again.

It’s already a dubious situation in terms of timing. Some believe that trans people should introduce themselves as trans or do it before the first date or during the first date. Kurt has waited until after the first date, much after. People believe that trans people are intentionally and maliciously deceiving, that it’s the trans person’s game to trick people into believing they are a certain gender. Kurt hopes Blaine doesn’t feel like he purposefully tricked him. He just wasn’t ready until now.

Kurt practices his speech over and over again in his head in the hour before Blaine shows up to what he thinks is a typical, run of the mill night in, a dinner-and-a-movie type of night. Kurt isn’t even going to pop the popcorn though. He doesn’t have that much faith.

When Blaine shows up, Kurt tries to act like nothing is wrong, nothing is different. He tries to force convincing smiles without a trace of the nerves boiling under his skin. He tries to keep any shakiness out of his voice. He tries not to fidget.

Apparently, he fails.

“Are you okay?”

“Uh.” He doesn’t want to say yes and he doesn’t want to say no. He figures he should just jump right in. “We need to talk.” He perches primly on the couch, back straight, hands in his lap.

“Uh, oh.  You’re not breaking up with me, are you?” Blaine’s laugh is short and uncertain as his face transforms from joking to serious quickly.

“No, though you might break up with me.”

He gestures for Blaine to take a seat on the couch next to him, a gesture Blaine obeys and he suppresses a smile. Blaine takes his hand and looks him in the eyes as if searching and hoping to see something there. Kurt doubts there is any way Blaine can see this coming.

“And why would I do that?”

“Because, I haven’t been totally honest,” he confesses, forcing himself to make eye contact, to not shy away from what he needs to say.

“How so? Secret husband? Love child?” Blaine jokes weakly.

“ _Blaine_.”

“Come on, you can tell me,” Blaine insists.

“I’m transgender – transmasculine female assigned at birth, to be specific.”

_Silence._

Enduring, engulfing, immobilizing silence.

Blaine’s face transforms from absolutely flummoxed to totally blank. Kurt preferred the former - at least he’d understood what it meant. _He just needs a clue_. Anything will do, but he can’t keep wondering, not in this moment and not with this subject.

“Say something, _please_ ,” he begs. 

“ _Wow._ I never-I never would have guessed.”

“Yeah, trans people aren’t easy to spot,” Kurt says a little too sharply when his anxiety and agitation bubbled up and he regrets it immediately. He can’t get carried away being defensive. This isn’t the time, especially when Blaine didn’t even really say anything at all. He should stick to what he planned.

“Yeah, sorry,” Blaine apologizes, staring meekly at his shoes.

“No, no need. I shouldn’t have snapped,” Kurt backpedals.

He wishes he felt comfortable touching Blaine right now. He wants to hold his hand or touch his knee. He wants to feel Blaine. But on this uncertain ground, he can’t assume he has that right. He can’t even hold eye contact; how can he hold Blaine’s hand?

Blaine keeps his eyes on his hands as he admits, “I just-I just don’t know what to say.”

“Well, how do you feel?” Kurt urges.

“Shocked, mostly,” he murmurs as he wrings his hands.

“Okay,” Kurt prompts, hoping Blaine will go on.

“I don’t know, Kurt. What do you expect?”

“Uh, angry? Disappointed? _Duped_?” Kurt lists off easily.

“Duped?” Blaine laughs – and, my, oh, my, is Kurt happy to hear that laugh. “No, I don’t feel duped.”

“And the others?” he pushes.

Blaine parts his hands to nervously smooth down his already immaculate hair. “I feel a little upset that you didn’t tell me sooner.”

“That’s it? You can be honest.”

“I am being honest!” Blaine insists, finally, _finally_ , making eye contact with him again. His eyes, as always, are beautifully open and expressive and the breath gets caught in Kurt’s throat as he sees uncertainty.

Kurt takes that eye contact, drinks it in, and makes sure to hold it as he tries to get to the heart of it all. “Are you really?”

“Kurt,” Blaine sighs. “It’s like you want me to be mad.”

“I don’t _want_ you to be. I just…expected you to be.”

“Well, I’m not!” he shouts, removing eye contact to look towards the ceiling in what Kurt assumes is weariness. “I sort need time to adjust and process, but I’m not mad! Now, can we watch a movie or something? Please?”

“You don’t have any questions?” Kurt clarifies, utterly astounded.

“What movie should we watch?” he jokes weakly.

“ _Blaine_.”

“Everything seems pretty self-explanatory.”

“You don’t want to know what my parts look like? You don’t want to know if I still have boobs?” Kurt offers, gesturing to the parts of his body as he mentions them.

Blaine scoffs humorlessly. “I can’t ask that,” he states, as if it’s totally obvious, when, as many, many transgender people can attest, people generally have no shame in asking that type of question. After all, in nearly every interview she does, Laverne Cox has to explain why she doesn’t answer those questions publically. It’s interesting to Kurt that Blaine finds it so obvious.

“Because you’re repulsed?” Kurt asks to clarify.

“Because it’s none of my business.”

That hurts a little, because, one, he didn’t say no and, two, Kurt wonders if it’s none of Blaine’s business because he’s not planning to stick around, if he isn’t planning on ever getting to the place with Kurt where parts matter, because he’s ready to back out today. But Kurt isn’t going to ask that question. It’s too soon. He isn’t ready to hear the answer and maybe Blaine isn’t ready to decide anyway.

Instead, he asks, “You’re not curious?”

“I am.”

“Okay,” Kurt leads, stretching out the last sound in the shape of a question mark.

“Okay. So, which movie?” Blaine deflects in turn, as he turns away back to the television.

Kurt goes to shift as well, until…“It’s just-are you sure?”

“Kurt, I will admit that there are questions I _want_ to ask but I won’t. I know a lot about being gay but I’m no expert in being transgendered.”

“Transgender,” he corrects on impulse, “it’s not a verb, the –ed is unnecessary. You wouldn’t say _blacked_ or _femaled_. It arguably implies an action, a decision.”

“Exactly! This is exactly what I mean. I don’t know very much. I don’t want to ask the wrong questions. I don’t want to offend you.”

It’s a nice thought, but Kurt knows that if questions aren’t answered now, they will just arise later and Kurt will wonder if Blaine’s disappointment is only delayed until those questions are asked. So, he figures he might as well get it out of the way now. Kurt had rehearsed his speech. He'd been strong enough to decide what he was and wasn't willing to tell, despite any consequences, and he feels strong enough now to tell Blaine the things Blaine wants to know but is too strong to ask about.

“What if I just tell you the things I feel comfortable telling you?” Kurt offers.

“You don’t have to do that.”

No, he doesn’t have to, but he actually, surprisingly wants to. He pulls in a deep breath and dives right in, straight to the deep end. “I haven’t had any surgery.”

“ _Kurt_.”

“I want top surgery; I just can’t afford it yet. It can cost $10,000 and my dad and I don’t have that kind of money. Which reminds me, I’m out to my dad, Rachel, Santana, my best friend back home, Unique, and the rest of the people in my glee club with me in high school. I haven’t started hormone replacement therapy. I don’t know if I ever will. I worry about what it will do to my voice and I feel good enough without it.”

“Kurt, really-“

“Biologically, I am completely female, but only _biologically_.”

“Kurt-“

“Don’t worry. That’s it. That’s all you need to know. Oh, also, you can talk to Sam about this. I don’t mind, because I know you will need someone to talk to.”

“Thank you. I really do appreciate you telling me all of this.”

They do eventually pick a movie – a comedy, to avoid awkward romantic scenes that would make them give each other sidelong looks, though they don’t say that aloud.  They settle back onto the couch, touching but not very closely.  Though, they never really cuddled in the traditional way when they did this before. Kurt would playfully stretch his leg’s across Blaine’s lap or Blaine would rest his head in his lap and he would stroke his hair, because Kurt was worried Blaine would be able to feel the bulk of his compression shirt or the curve of a breast where there should have been a firm chest if they cuddled the normal way. Kurt wonders if Blaine is thinking about that too. He wonders if Blaine noticed this before and just now has an explanation or just now realizes the things Kurt did all along to hide the truth.

He tries not to stare at Blaine’s profile as he watches the movie. He tries not to admire what might not be his to admire anymore. Blaine hasn’t said that they are over, but he doesn’t seem like he knows they aren’t. It’s so ambiguous. He has no idea what Blaine is thinking. He replays everything they’ve said over and over in his head to analyze and predict what might happen, but he really doesn’t know.

The movie winds up and they watch the credits roll in silence before Blaine says he needs to go work on a performance assignment. Kurt feels his heart clench at the idea that he isn’t sure if Blaine will ever walk back through his apartment door after he leaves. But he knows there is one last thing for him to say, so, as Blaine is moving to get off the couch, he says his last piece.

“Blaine,” he gasps, throat feeling thick, “before you go, I just want you to know that I understand if you want to call this off. I won’t think you’re a bad person. I’ve had years to accept that romance isn’t going to be easy for me.”

Blaine’s eyes widen and he uncomfortably shifts in place as he clutches his hands together.

“I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not…thrown off by this,” he admits, “I’m obviously not jumping up and down with joy,” “but this feels _real_. My ex flattered and complimented me from the moment we met. He flirted and hit on me and it felt good, but you and I feel _right._ I need to think for a few days to get used to the idea. I’ll call you, okay?”

Kurt doesn’t trust himself to say anything, so he just nods. Blaine nods back, takes Kurt’s hand, squeezes it, and then smoothly gets up and slips out the door. Kurt can feel the tears streaming down his cheeks as the door clicks back in place. But he just wipes the tears away and goes to his room.

It could have been worse.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote Blaine's reaction like this for a bunch of different reasons (to name a few, canon interactions between Kurt and Blaine, canon interactions between Blaine and Unique, and canon character of Blaine, although I focus more on 2nd and 3rd season Blaine than 4th and 5th by my own fault). I understand if people don't agree with the reaction I've written, but please remember I have my reasons.


End file.
